How to Get Out of Your Own Way: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Sabotage
What is self-sabotage? | Conscious vs subconscious self-sabotage | Causes | Childhood | Self-esteem | Control | Examples | How to stop | Self-compassion | End the cycle | Therapy
Self-sabotage is a form of psychological self-harm that involves undermining, interfering with, or damaging yourself, your goals, your relationships, or your desires.
Self-sabotage, whether intentional or unintentional, is a common challenge for many men. If you struggle with self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors, the first steps to overcoming them are understanding why you engage in self-sabotage and recognizing it when it happens. By gaining these insights, you can begin to mitigate and eventually eliminate these patterns.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Understanding and acknowledging the broader impact self-sabotaging behaviors can have on your life is an important step towards positive change.
Self-sabotage can take many forms and impact various aspects of a person’s life including their relationships, health and career.
The relationship between self-sabotage and self-esteem is bidirectional.
What is self-sabotage?
Essentially, self-sabotage is declaring that you want to accomplish something or become a specific version of yourself, yet making decisions that don’t line up with your stated intent. It refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold people back and prevent them from achieving their goals.
Conscious self-sabotage vs subconscious self-sabotage
Conscious self-sabotage occurs when individuals knowingly engage in behaviors that are counterproductive to their goals (even if they don't fully understand the reasons behind them).
Examples: neglecting health, avoiding opportunity, procrastination
Subconscious self-sabotage is more complex because it involves behaviors driven by underlying psychological mechanisms of which the individual is not fully aware. These actions are influenced by deeper fears, unresolved conflicts, or protective mechanisms that operate below the level of conscious awareness.
Examples: self-worth issues, unhealthy relationship patterns, imposter syndrome
NOTE: We should address the important distinction between mistakes and self-sabotage. Mistakes are often unavoidable and made unintentionally and we should be mindful to learn from them. Self-sabotage is something done to yourself by yourself in order to protect, to maintain status quo or even to punish.
Self-sabotaging in men
When I was a boy, my identity was the class clown. My personality was to make others laugh, even if I got in trouble for doing so. What I have learned over the years, starting in junior high and high school, is that my behaviors as the class clown were actually hiding the fears that I was not smart enough. My brother was the smart one, I was the funny one. It never dawned on me until later in life that you can be both funny and smart (among other things).
While this is a relatively simple and straightforward example, what helped me was the recognition that my behaviors were leading to unwanted conclusions. The pain and embarrassment of getting in trouble began to outweigh the fear I had of not being smart enough. Once I realized the position I was in, I had to start making different decisions. This meant I had to change my behaviors in the classroom and at home when it came time to complete homework.
When people engage in self-sabotage, they think and act in ways that contradict their own interests, either intentionally or subconsciously creating obstacles that hinder their progress.
Self-sabotage is a common struggle for many, regardless of gender. For men, some self-sabotaging behaviors are easier to ignore and often downplayed or seen as typical male behavior (...boys will be boys...).
Are video games getting in the way of connecting with your girlfriend? Is going out to bars impacting your productivity or career progress? No matter how benign some of these behaviors may seem, they speak to a cycle of behavior and self-perception that can significantly hinder personal growth and quality of life.
Of course, it's important to blow off steam; there's nothing wrong with relaxing and having fun. But if activities such as playing video games have begun to interfere with your ability to be present and effective in various areas of your life, examining your relationship with these behaviors and how they impact your overall well-being is crucial. Understanding and acknowledging the broader impact of self-sabotaging behaviors on your life is an essential step toward positive change.
Why do I self-sabotage?
Men, like anyone else, may self-sabotage for a variety of reasons. Self-sabotaging behaviors are typically rooted in underlying emotional or psychological issues. A lot of people, including men, remain largely unaware of their self-sabotaging behaviors and how they’re impacting personal growth and fulfillment until someone points these patterns out. Recognizing these self-sabotaging behaviors is often the first step towards breaking free from these limiting narratives and pursuing personal growth and success.
Childhood experiences and learned behavior
Men who were bullied growing up or who grew up receiving messages or perceived feedback suggesting they would never amount to anything, or that they would never be as good as a sibling, often internalize these narratives. They become comfortable with these limiting beliefs and develop behaviors that reinforce this negative script.
Some men may have a strong desire to achieve goals they've been told they never could, but they struggle to shed this internal dialogue. This ongoing internal conflict can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors that undermine their efforts and potential.
Self-esteem issues
Men who struggle with low self-esteem may believe they are not worthy of success or happiness, causing them to engage in behaviors that reinforce these negative beliefs. Addressing low self-esteem is crucial for breaking the cycle of self-sabotage. Building self-worth and self-compassion can help men recognize their inherent value and potential, empowering them to take constructive actions towards their goals and fostering a healthier, more positive self-image.
Comfort and control: when failure feels familiar
Believe it or not, many men may engage in self-sabotage to stay within their comfort zones, avoiding the discomfort that comes with change and personal growth. For some, failure or mediocrity feels familiar and safe because it aligns with the negative messages they've internalized over time.
Some men may self-sabotage as a way to exert control over their lives. By setting themselves up for failure, they maintain a sense of predictability and control, avoiding the uncertainty that comes with pursuing their goals. Venturing into unknown territory, even if it promises success, can provoke anxiety and fear of the unknown. By self-sabotaging, they avoid the risk of facing new challenges or potential failure in an unfamiliar context.
Venturing into unknown territory, even if it promises success, can provoke anxiety and fear of the unknown. By self-sabotaging, they maintain a sense of control and avoid the risk of facing new challenges or potential failure in an unfamiliar context.
Fear of failure, fear of success
Self-sabotage can also occur when a man is afraid of failure. It can feel more tolerable to have never tried than to have tried and then failed. If a man never tries, he has a built-in excuse: "I never got around to it," or "I never had the opportunity."
Conversely, some may fear the responsibilities and expectations that come with success, leading them to subconsciously undermine their own efforts. The fear of success is often related to self-worth and the challenges associated with change. Achieving a significant accomplishment might bring about changes that feel overwhelming. There is also a fear of failure wrapped up in this for some men. They might think, "While I might achieve this great thing, I won’t be able to sustain it." This fear can lead to avoiding the whole experience to prevent potential heartbreak.
Common types of self-sabotage + examples
Self-sabotage is often an ingrained, behavioral pattern (for example, you might habitually undermine your own success because, on some level, you believe they don't deserve it.) It can also be a situational response to stress or anxiety (for example, you might procrastinate on a project or task because you feel overwhelmed or anxious about it, even if you don't generally struggle with procrastination). In either case, with self-awareness, conscious effort and support, you can replace self-sabotaging behaviors with actions that support your personal growth.
Self-sabotage can be categorized into different types based on underlying causes and contexts. Some of the more common types include:
Behavioral self-sabotage
Behavioral self-sabotage consists of actions that directly impede one's progress or success.
Example: Procrastination — Delaying or avoiding tasks and responsibilities, often leading to missed opportunities and increased stress. You might put off important work assignments until the last minute, resulting in subpar performance.
Financial self-sabotage
Financial self-sabotage involves behaviors that negatively impact one's financial stability or growth.
Example: Impulsive spending — Spending money on non-essential items impulsively to the extent that it leads to financial stress and an inability to save or pay bills.
We all need money to survive and our relationship with money is as complex and nuanced as with a spouse. The term retail therapy has become ubiquitous and while it can be fun to buy something we have long wanted, the practice can quickly become an albatross. With more than 25% of Americans not having any savings at all and nearly 60% claiming they don’t have enough in savings, it would make sense if many would reduce their spending. However, the average American household has nearly $20k in credit card debt.
Making decisions that feel good in the moment but have larger impacts on stress levels can be a form of self-sabotage that can keep you stuck.
Physical self-sabotage
Physical self-sabotage consists of actions that harm one's physical health or well-being.
Example: Neglecting self-care — This could include avoiding exercise, eating unhealthy foods, skipping meals or not getting enough sleep. For instance, watching TV late into the night instead of getting adequate rest could be considered a form of physical self-sabotage.
Professional self-sabotage
Professional self-sabotage encompasses actions that negatively affect one's career or work performance.
Example: Avoiding professional development or opportunities for career advancement — Not taking steps to improve your skills, avoiding career advancement opportunities and other behaviors that can lead to career stagnation are professional self-sabotage behaviors.
There are many examples of how self-sabotage shows up in the workplace. Most relate to other areas of life. Perfectionism can be glorified as a positive trait, but when it is taken too far, it can get in the way of finishing projects and alienating colleagues. By not being able to stick to deadlines and needing to perfect tasks, this can ultimately be a way where self-sabotage pops up in work, prohibiting you from truly reaching your potential.
Fear of failure is another way in which some get stuck. Even though the ambition is there, the fear that you might fail can keep you from action. By never trying, you guarantee that you won’t fail. This guaranteed lack of failure will also guarantee that you will miss out on many opportunities for learning and growth. Remaining siloed in your thoughts is another form of self-sabotage. By not sharing your expertise or being willing to reach out for support, you keep yourself stuck in isolation and eliminate possibilities for connection and collaboration.
Emotional self-sabotage
Emotional self-sabotage involves actions or thought patterns that negatively affect one's emotional well-being.
Example: Negative self-talk — Constantly criticizing oneself or focusing on personal flaws, which undermines confidence and self-worth. For instance, telling oneself, "I'm not good enough" or "I'll never succeed."
Relationship self-sabotage
Relationship self-sabotage refers to behaviors that damage or prevent healthy interpersonal relationships.
Example: Pushing people away — Creating distance in relationships or sabotaging connections out of fear of intimacy or rejection. This can include avoiding deep conversations or ending relationships prematurely.
If you’ve ever noticed that your romantic and/or social relationships end in similar ways or face similar challenges, this could be due to patterns of self-sabotage. Out of fear of being left, you cut off relationships before you can get hurt. This fear overrides your more profound desire to be loved, and by ending the relationship, you rob yourself of the connection you desire.
Another example is holding someone to an unfair expectation. Needing someone to live up to a perfect ideal is unrealistic and can be a strategy for protection from future hurts. Finding the faults in someone and ending the relationship protects from one kind of pain but exacerbates the pain of loneliness. Another way self-sabotage shows up in relationships is by not speaking your truth. This communication issue can stem from a fear that someone will leave you if you make your needs and wants known, so you sacrifice that part of yourself until the pain is too unbearable.
How to stop self-sabotaging
Self-sabotage can be challenging to identify and change on one's own; understanding and addressing self-sabotage often involves introspection and professional help to uncover and deal with the underlying causes. Here are some other steps and strategies to consider
Identify the self-sabotaging behaviors that you’d like to change
One key to overcoming self-sabotaging behaviors is the ability to recognize them. Because these behaviors can be habitual and unconscious, identifying them requires time, effort, and self-awareness. While you might have some idea of where your tendency to self-sabotage originates, the real answers are likely a few layers deeper. It's important to find the root of the issue, not only to stop the behaviors but also to address the underlying thought patterns, making them less likely to return.
Journaling is my go-to for anyone I'm working with to begin identifying patterns. Journaling pushes us into metacognition (thinking about thinking) and gives us a bird's eye view of our behaviors, patterns, and decisions.
Let's say you are curious about why your relationships tend to end around the same time or why you see your colleagues progress in their careers and you are not. Start by writing about specific examples of why the relationships ended or times when someone looked you over for a promotion. Looking in depth at specific examples, if it is self-sabotage, you'll start to notice a theme in your emotions, behaviors, and patterns.
Overcoming Self-Sabotage : Journaling Prompts
How frequently do I set a goal and then make decisions that get in the way of me accomplishing that thing?
Does this happen primarily in one facet of my life or in all areas (work, social, romantic, etc.)?
What behavior patterns prohibit me from accomplishing my goals?
What thoughts, feelings or judgments regarding these behavior patterns have I observed?
Describe your thought process or inner dialogue when considering engaging in self-sabotaging behavior.
What are ways I can change my internal dialogue to help me make decisions that better serve my overall goals?
Seek feedback from people you trust who know you well
Another way to further what you are learning from your journaling is to ask a few trustworthy friends for their thoughts. Describe behaviors you’re trying to change and ask them to help with accountability. This can be a vulnerable step and the most important thing is to choose people that have your best interest at heart and that know how to give honest feedback in a way that is conducive to your growth. You can describe to them the patterns you are seeing in your life and you can ask them if they see patterns you’ve not identified. These conversations lead naturally to additional awareness and accountability.
Move away from perfectionistic, all-or-nothing thinking.
Perfection isn’t attainable and will lead to frustration if it is the goal. Progress is more important than perfection. As we discussed earlier, perfectionism can actually be a form of self-sabotage, so working to eliminate it from our goal-setting makes sense on multiple levels.
One thing that is important to remember is that now that you’ve identified a pattern or belief system, you will still have the draw to execute in that way for some time, which is ok. A desire to act in a certain way is very different from actually performing the action. The progress here is recognizing the desire but not following through with it. The desire will slowly diminish over time the more you choose not to follow through with it.
Behavior changes + reasonable goals.
One thing I discuss with most clients is that we can’t think ourselves into a new way of living; we have to live ourselves into a new way of thinking. Insight is great regarding self-sabotage, but action is where the money is. That being said, it’s often more effective to take one step at a time rather than trying to overhaul everything at once. Small, manageable actions build momentum and create lasting change, making it easier to integrate new habits and perspectives into your daily life.
In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear discusses the concept of getting 1% better each day. I think this is the most approachable way to accomplish long-term growth. Finding small ways to improve each day is a manageable way to make meaningful progress, leading to massive growth over time. We think of compounding interest in terms of investments, but the same principle is true in our relational, emotional and behavioral growth as well. One win builds into another, which builds into another.
Seek professional help
Seeking help from a therapist or coach is a valuable option. Their expertise can help identify patterns and solutions, and guide you towards the results and life you desire. Similar to having a friend for accountability, a professional can provide a listening ear, remind you of past behaviors, and use their experience to create a plan for meaningful change.
Try self-compassion
In many ways, self-compassion can be thought of as the antidote to self-sabotage. Often, self-sabotage is a misguided attempt to keep oneself safe, which ultimately leads to more pain. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is a way to truly take care of yourself without the negative side effects.
Self-compassion doesn’t have to be complicated or consumerist in nature; true self-compassion focuses on inner growth and understanding rather than external purchases or material comforts. For you, self-compassion might involve some of the strategies we’ve already discussed: connecting with a friend, setting realistic goals, or working with a professional. It might also involve cutting yourself some slack in the learning and growing process because it can take time to work through these self-sabotage tendencies.
The self-sabotage cycle
To some extent, the relationship between self-esteem and self-sabotage is bidirectional. Low self-esteem can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors like procrastination and avoidance, resulting in outcomes that tend to further reinforce feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.
Conversely, self-sabotage can lower self-esteem by causing failures and reinforcing negative self-beliefs. This cycle creates a feedback loop where each factor exacerbates the other, which makes breaking free without conscious effort and support difficult.
Many men simply grit their teeth and power through the pain they feel. For many, it's been years since they've openly confided in another person. By seeking therapy, men can begin to unlearn the idea that asking for help makes them weak. Instead, they can realize that getting help can actually make them stronger.
How therapy can help you break the self-sabotage cycle
Understanding the underlying reasons behind self-sabotaging behaviors, including when they are linked to mental health conditions or past experiences, is crucial for addressing and overcoming them effectively. Therapy can be a helpful tool in breaking the cycle of self-sabotage by identifying the roots of these behaviors and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
Some of the men I work with begin therapy with some level of awareness regarding their self-sabotaging behaviors. Others need more time and guidance before they can acknowledge these issues. In any case, when discussing self-sabotage with my male clients, I emphasize that self-sabotage is something "you do to you."
Reasons to not be a lone wolf and give therapy a try
Many men fear rejection. This type of relationship is a safe way to explore some of the thoughts and emotions you might not have shared with anyone else.
Sharing burdens with someone can help you in unexpected ways and parts of your life.
While therapy can bring up complex emotions, learning that the fear of those emotions was a large part of what was keeping you stuck can be incredibly freeing.
If you find that self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors are holding you back, seeking therapy can be a valuable step. A therapist can help you identify underlying issues, develop coping strategies, and work towards sustainable, positive change.
Get in touch with me today to book a free consultation.