Navigating Money-Related Disagreements as a Couple

relationships

Aug 15

A young plant grows out of a glass of change.

Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships. Disagreements over finances can create tension and strain, but they often go beyond the mere question of dollars and cents.

Talking about money can be uncomfortable, but there are strategies that can help you and your partner improve how you communicate about financial issues.

This blog post explores why couples fight about money, common financial arguments, and practical strategies for handling these disagreements constructively. We will also discuss the broader impact of unresolved money issues and offer tips for avoiding financial conflict in the future.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

Money issues in relationships often stem from deeper, more complex emotional and psychological factors.
Navigating money-related disagreements is a common challenge in relationships, but it doesn't have to be a source of ongoing conflict.
By understanding the root causes of financial disputes, communicating openly, and setting shared goals, couples can handle money-related disagreements constructively.
The aim is not to avoid all financial disagreement but to address them in a way that strengthens your relationship.

Financial conflict in marriage: statistics

31% of adults with partners reported that money is a major source of conflict in their relationship.
About one third of respondents in a 2023 study by Credit Karma said they had ended a relationship over disagreements about money.
More than 40% of respondents fight about finances on a monthly basis, and about one-third have ended a relationship over disagreements about money.
73% of cohabiting couples say that money decisions are definitely a source of tension in the relationship.
2021 study: People in long-term relationships reported that finances were the biggest conflict in 40% of their disagreements.
A quarter of couples said money is their greatest relationship challenge. (Fidelity's Couples & Money Study, 2024)
38% of couples cite financial issues as a contributing factor in their divorce.

Understanding the Root Causes of Financial Conflict

There’s more to money than just the bottom line. Money is not just a tangible object; financial resources are symbols and ideas that touch upon some of our deepest-rooted fears, aspirations, and insecurities—past, present, and future. Our relationship with money significantly impacts our sense of safety, security, power, and independence, and can even influence our self-worth.

In the context of a relationship, money issues often stem from deeper, more complex emotional and psychological factors. These associations can make financial discussions particularly charged and challenging.

Couples who are either unable or unwilling to acknowledge these complexities are less likely to understand the true nature of their financial strife and may struggle to resolve disagreements peaceably. On the other hand, couples who take the time to explore and understand the deeper meanings and emotions tied to their financial beliefs and behaviors are more likely to communicate effectively and find common ground.

Why married couples fight about money

Money issues in relationships often stem from deeper, more complex emotional and psychological factors. Married couples fight about money because each partner has different values and worldviews - and that is ok. In fact, since money is so intertwined with our emotions and our value systems, financial disagreements are practically inevitable.

Our financial behaviors and attitudes are often deeply ingrained, shaped by past experiences, upbringing, and cultural influences. In your relationship, it is important to remember you and your partner are on the same team and prioritize understanding one another above proving the other wrong. It’s also important to consider that one or both of you may not be fully aware of how your own relationship with money is affecting you and the relationship.

1. Different emotional ties to money

Money carries significant emotional weight, tied to values and personal experiences. People who grew up in different financial situations often have distinct perspectives on risk, savings, and spending. For instance, someone raised in poverty may prioritize savings and security, while someone from a wealthier background might have a more relaxed approach to spending.

It's human nature to perceive others' values as wrong when they differ from our own, but again, within a couple, it's crucial to remember you're on the same team. Understanding each other's "why" is more important than being right.

2. Poor communication

Discussions about money can be uncomfortable, so many couples avoid them until there is a big fight or they are in a pressured situation that requires them to engage. Another tendency is that couples talk about money often, but the communication style, tone, frequency, and/or method doesn't work for the couple. When couples work on improving their communication around money, they often find that other areas of their relationship improve.

3. Financial stress

Financial stress is inevitable, whether due to job loss, unexpected expenses, or economic downturns. This stress can amplify existing issues and make disagreements more intense. The key is not avoiding stress but learning to manage it together.

You can pretty much bank on money stress coming your way at some point in your life or another. Gas prices will rise, the next bear market, needing to emergently replace the a/c in your house, etc. It isn’t a matter of whether stress comes up, but it is a matter of how you and your partner will handle it together.

4. Different views on income management

Different views about income management—Some couples share income and assets equally. Other couples split living expenses right down the middle and have a shared bank account while also maintaining separate accounts the other person doesn’t have access to. Other couples split expenses and savings based on percentages of individual earnings. Other couples do it differently still.

There's no one-size-fits-all approach to income management in relationships. The key is to find an arrangement that works for both partners. This decision is not about right or wrong, but about what feels right for both of you. It's a process that requires open and honest conversations, which can strengthen your bond and understanding of each other.

5. Control Issues

Various things can be leveraged as means of control within a relationship, and money is one of them. If one partner provides financial support for the other, the individual with more direct access to financial resources might use that to control or manipulate their partner. Conversely, the financially dependent partner may attempt to exert control through guilt and coercion. If issues of control, manipulation, or financial abuse are present in your relationship, it is advisable to seek the help of a professional to address these issues as a couple or individually.

6. Lack of alignment around financial goals

Being aligned on saving, spending, and retirement goals is key for a couple. We have to go back to the 'why' for our partner sometimes and remember there isn't necessarily a right and a wrong, but a lot of gray. Spending time discussing what your goals are and why will help to bring you into alignment. One partner might want more cash on hand for emergencies, while the other thinks that money should be in the stock market, compounding interest. One partner might want to drive a vehicle until the wheels fall off, while the other values having the latest technology in their vehicles.

We've returned to our discussion on values and understanding where the other is coming from. The important thing is that neither of you is crazy. It is okay to have differences in opinions and values, but you must seek out the middle ground.

7. Different relationship with money based on upbringing

We are all products of our environment in various ways. What we were taught, or not taught, about money in our upbringing will be present in our adult relationships with money. The interesting thing is that we often don’t think about our values with money until we start having conversations about money with a significant other and start to realize that there are many different views on budgeting, spending, saving, and investing.

Money can also be a source of shame for some while a source of pride for others based on upbringing. This emotional component in the relationship with money can be overlooked and misunderstood in couples, but it should be explored and discussed together in depth until there is a solid understanding of each other’s upbringing and how it impacts the dynamic of the relationship.

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Money?

Discussing money can be difficult because it involves vulnerability and can touch on deep-seated beliefs and insecurities. People often feel ashamed to admit they need help with money, believing they should already know how to manage it. Additionally, societal norms and cultural backgrounds can make conversations about money feel taboo or impolite. However, having open and honest discussions about finances is crucial for a healthy relationship.

We are conditioned to think that talking about money is impolite

There is a difference between having an open and honest discussion with a partner about money, budgeting, and fears and bragging about how much you made on your latest commission at a dinner with friends. Like many things, we have to remember how nuanced our relationship with money is and that certain conversations are appropriate in some contexts while being inappropriate in others.

No one likes to admit they need help with money

Money is one of those things that many don’t get taught about, yet they have a belief that they should know exactly how to budget and invest anyway. Asking for help around something that you think other people know about and you should know about is intimidating. Like most things, most people are just as insecure about their knowledge of money as you are. Like other complex matters we need to be taught about money and we need to be taught how to talk about money.

Common Financial Arguments in Relationships

1. Budgeting disagreements

Setting a budget is an excellent idea for a couple to do. However, the conversations can be challenging and emotional for many reasons already discussed. Discussing openly, honestly, and with a healthy dose of grace and friendliness will go a long way in these conversations. An essential tip in budgeting conversations is that the document and agreement should be taken seriously, and remember that it can change and should be discussed frequently.

Once a couple can open the conversation around budgeting and finances and come to an initial place of understanding, the idea is to keep that openness and return to the budget conversation regularly to check in on how things are going.

2. Employment-related issues

Work-related stress is common in relationships, and there is always the potential that someone will lose a job unexpectedly. When this happens, it can become a significant source of stress for the relationship.

As we discussed earlier, it is really not a matter of if a couple will experience stressors like this but when. With that being the case, developing good communication habits in non-stressful times will help when things get stressful.

3. Impulse control issues

When one or both partners struggle with impulse control, this can become a significant source of challenge in the relationship. Impulse control can look like many things, but a few examples are buying things unexpectedly and without agreement from a partner, risky gambling, and doing things that are outside of an agreed-upon budget. These behaviors can lead to debt and become an even greater source of stress and conflict.

4. Debt

Most people go into debt when they purchase a house and a car. These two forms of debt, along with student debt, are widely considered acceptable and even necessary in modern society. Some schools of financial thought advocate saving until you can make a purchase and never going into debt. Regardless of your view, debt can be a major source of contention within a couple.

It's essential to revisit our ongoing discussion about beliefs and values, and acknowledge that debt may hold different meanings within a couple. The couple's responsibility is to identify the acceptable amount (if any) of debt for them. By working together to establish this common ground, they can prevent future stress and foster a shared understanding of what is financially acceptable for them.

5. Spending vs. saving

This is closely related to budgeting yet deserves more discussion. Every couple's spending and saving behaviors are unique. Some couples don't prioritize saving until much later in life, while others are diligent savers from day one.

Regardless of your stance, it's wise to discuss this concept frequently to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page. It's also crucial to recognize that there is more than one right way to manage money.

How to Handle Money Disagreements Without Fighting

1. Choose the right timing and location

Because money can be an emotionally charged subject, it is best practice to set aside specific times to discuss anything in depth. It is necessary to be able to have impromptu conversations from time to time. Still, those are often successful after you’ve laid a solid foundation of trust and agreed-upon values and standards. Having a regular time and place for money conversations can go a long way in decreasing stress. It is no longer being avoided, and it also has a start and end time, so it isn’t going to dominate the rest of the day or evening.

2. Use "I" statements and avoid blame

Practice using “I”statements: I feel…, I think… and avoid placing blame on your partner: You always…

The goal is always to understand your partner and for your partner to understand you. This happens best when people aren’t defensive. One of the best ways to help people not be defensive is to ask great questions and to listen with the intent to understand. Often, in heated moments, the tendency can be to listen with the intent to refute and prove the other person wrong. Since we often talk about values and belief systems, your partner might have something different they believe than you, but they aren’t wrong.

When both partners are able to speak gracefully from their perspective, ask meaningful questions and listen with the intent to understand, communication becomes a lot more fruitful.

3. Seek to understand, not win

The goal should be mutual understanding, not winning an argument. Ask questions and listen with the intent to understand your partner's perspective. When the goal is to understand, not to convince or win, the whole demeanor of the conversation changes. There are times when you know you are right and your partner knows they are right. This is a clear indication that your values are not in alignment regarding this aspect and it would be wise to go deeper and talk about where this belief comes from, what the values are. Gaining clarity here helps soften the tone and can remove the need to get your way.

Avoiding Financial Conflict in the Future

When it comes to managing money as a couple, the goal is not just to avoid fights but to create a system that works for both of you, fostering trust and respect. It's about finding a balance between shared financial responsibilities and individual freedom, and adapting that balance as your relationship and circumstances evolve. This isn't just about keeping the peace—it's about building a financial partnership where both partners feel secure, respected, and empowered to achieve their goals together.

1. Regular check-ins

Regularly discuss your financial situation, goals, and concerns. This proactive approach helps prevent misunderstandings and keeps both partners on the same page.

Every couple will do this differently, so it is important to find the right cadence for you. Having a regular time to review financial topics and budget questions and ideas will allow you to live in confidence knowing that there is time set aside for this important facet of your life. Here are some ideas for cadence and structure:

Weekly - these can be short 15- to 45-minute check-ins and cover weekly expenses, bills needing to be paid, things that have come up that need to be added into the budget.
Monthly - this might be an hour long dedicated time to look at the past month and forecast into the upcoming month. These are typically held at the end of one month/beginning of a new month.
Quarterly - this conversation might need to be longer due to talking through a quarter’s worth of finances, but will typically follow a similar structure as the monthly meeting.

Some couples like to do all of these ‘meetings’ while other couples do one or two. The importance is to find the right cadence and structure for you.

2. Education and learning

Invest time in learning about financial management together. Understanding budgeting, investing, and other financial topics can empower both partners and reduce uncertainty.

There are dozens of financial experts that can help you with the nuts and bolts on setting up a budget and deciding on an investment strategy. I recommend finding a financial advisor you can meet with and/or finding one that has books, courses and online resources that you can use as your guide. We don’t need to be financial experts, we just need to be able to access and learn from them.

3. Learn about each other’s past.

We’ve talked a lot about understanding values and beliefs about money, but haven’t discussed a method for actually doing it. Here is one strategy:

Each partner should write out all the things they learned about money growing up. These can be direct or indirect lessons, from family, friends or various media. The idea is to remember as many stories, anecdotes, and lessons that you were taught growing up that have informed your relationship with money.
Read your lists to each and tell the stories that characterize each lesson.
Discuss how the lessons and values have informed your current relationship with money.

Working toward conflict-free money management

Money has long been a source of conflict for many couples, but it doesn't have to remain a point of contention. By considering the underlying meaning behind money-related decisions and striving to understand your partner's perspective, you can begin to diffuse financial tension.

There are countless ways to structure a budget, save money, and plan for retirement—no single approach is the "right" one. What matters most is understanding the values each of you brings to the table and working together to create a shared set of values that guide your financial decisions.

When you operate from this unified foundation and agree on the behaviors that express these values, money conversations shift from being a liability to becoming a strength in your relationship.

Couples therapy can help

If money is a source of conflict and stress in your relationship, therapy can offer the support you need to navigate these challenges. Through therapy, you can work together to uncover the deeper issues behind your financial disagreements, improve communication, and develop a shared understanding of each other's financial values and goals.

Consider scheduling a free consultation with me to explore how we can work together to strengthen your relationship and bring more harmony to your financial discussions.

moneyconflict resolution

Andy Williams