App-Less Dating: A Guide for Single Men
What’s the point of dating? | Keys to a successful date | Why do you want to date? | How to date | Expand your social circle | Be approachable | Center yourself | Be respectful | Flirting | Nurture connection | Put your date at ease | Plan memorable dates | Conversation | You are not the protagonist | Dating game plan
Is it really possible to meet people without using dating apps?
People are drawn to dating apps for a variety of reasons. They offer convenience, expand the dating pool, and can even mitigate the fear of rejection. And yet, a lot of men have considered moving away from dating apps and focusing more on in-person interactions; about 42% of them report that online dating has become more draining than life-giving.
I'm not here to say that dating apps are bad or that online dating can't lead to meaningful connections and lasting relationships. But if you've been swiping for a while but haven't been having the kinds of dating experiences you're looking for, it might be time to consider different approaches to meeting people. Ditching the apps and engaging directly with the world around you can offer new and refreshing ways to connect on a more personal, genuine, and meaningful level.
KEY TAKEAWAYS
Dating offers opportunities for self-improvement, including better communication skills, emotional intelligence, and self-awareness.
It's important to remember that your dating partners likely experience some of the same vulnerabilities and insecurities as you do.
Reflecting on your readiness and motivations to date is crucial.
Taking a break from dating apps and seeking real-life interactions can result in more authentic and rewarding dating experiences.
Honor the campsite rule. Leave people better than how you found them.
What’s the point of dating?
Motivations for dating can be relatively different for each person. At certain points in some men’s lives, the motivation may be casual and solely to have fun with others they find attractive. For some men, the primary purpose of dating is to find a long-term committed relationship.
Dating also allows you to leave your comfort zone and experience people, places and things you might not otherwise. We also learn what we are and aren’t compatible with.
Can dating make you a better person?
Through dating we have the opportunity to learn a lot about ourselves. How we communicate, how we relate to others, what we appreciate and so forth.
Through dating, men may be more motivated to be the best versions of themselves.
Dating exposes you to a variety of perspectives and emotional experiences. Understanding and empathizing with the feelings and viewpoints of others can enhance your emotional intelligence.
Keys to a successful, app-less date
Finding meaningful connections outside of dating apps can feel like a lost art in a world dominated by digital interactions. But stepping away from the screen opens up a world of authentic and rewarding experiences. Whether you're tired of swiping or simply seeking a more genuine approach to dating, navigating romance in the real world can be an adventure. If you're new to dating without apps, understanding the key components of a successful date is an excellent place to start.
Location, location, location — Choosing the right spot for your date is crucial. It's not really about finding the perfect spot but an ideal place for comfortable conversation. Avoid places that might add unnecessary pressure or give off the impression of lack of thought. Be yourself and do a little research on the person to get some ideas.
Ask questions — Great conversations start with great questions. Be prepared to talk about yourself some, but don't worry so much about trying to impress your date. Focus your attention on asking meaningful questions.
Be a good listener — I tell couples all the time to listen with their whole bodies. Put your phone down and show genuine interest in what your date is saying. Be sure to ask good follow-up questions to show that you are interested.
Drink responsibly (or not at all) — Nothing wrong with enjoying a glass of wine or beer on your date (assuming your date is comfortable with that); just know your limits and do not get drunk.
Laugh and have a good time — Dating should be fun. Tell some jokes, make your date laugh and don't take yourself too seriously.
Ask yourself: why do I want to date?
Before jumping into the dating pool, let me ask you something: What are your motivations to date? Here are a few good questions to help you reflect:
What do I want to get from a romantic or dating relationship now?
Are there any areas of my life that could cloud my judgment in choosing a partner or navigating the ups and downs of dating?
Have I healed from my previous relationship(s)?
If I find someone who wants to be in a committed relationship, am I in a place ready for that type of commitment?
You can’t be successful in dating without doing some self-assessment to uncover your true motivations for wanting to date in the first place. You can explore the questions above in your journal or just grab a buddy and talk over beer and cigars. You could also bring these ideas up in an upcoming therapy session.
How to date in real life (without apps)
Finally, the part you’ve been waiting for. Let’s get into it!
Expand your social circle.
Expanding your social circle can offer more opportunities to meet potential dating partners. At the same time, dating can introduce you to new people and communities, further expanding your social network. It's a reciprocal relationship where each can positively influence the other. Engaging in varied social activities and joining new groups (in real life) can facilitate both personal growth and your dating life, creating a vibrant, interconnected social life.
When you're ready to try dating without apps, it might be a good idea to audit your social circle and find growth opportunities. For many, starting a list of ways to expand upon your social foundation will be a good idea. This might be the right time to join the gym or fitness community you've been interested in. It could be the opportunity to take the art or dance class that you've seen advertised. These don't have to be significant time or money commitments, but it can be helpful to start opening yourself up to more opportunities to meet people out in the wild.
Attending events with friends can be a great way to run into people with similar interests. (Even if you don't meet your next date, practicing your social skills is essential.)
PRO TIP: Consider creating alerts for your significant other's favorite music artists using Google Alerts, Seated, Songkick or another service. Keeping track of your SO's favorite things shows thoughtfulness and consideration for their interests and preferences. It demonstrates that you pay attention to their likes and actively seek opportunities to share meaningful experiences.
Be approachable and open-minded.
Approachability and open-mindedness foster genuine, deep connection. They also help in nurturing trust and understanding.
Being approachable means signaling to others, through your words and actions, that you are friendly and easy to interact with. When people feel comfortable initiating conversations with you, it increases your chances of meeting compatible partners.
Being open-minded allows you to consider potential partners you might otherwise overlook. By not limiting your potential interests, you become more available to a more people who could enrich your life.
Center yourself
Feeling nervous is natural when considering asking someone you're attracted to out on a date. Try not to overdo it or be too forceful. Plan what you want to say, take a few deep breaths, and remember that the worst possible outcome is they say no—which, while disappointing, isn't the end of the world and leaves you free to explore other connections.
Don't rely on alcohol to provide you with the courage you need to ask someone out. Not only can it cloud your judgment and prevent you from making the best impression, but it could cause the person you're pursuing to wonder if you're really that into them or if it's just the booze talking.
Be respectful
It should go without saying that it's important to be respectful toward individuals you'd like to date or are dating. But remember: the people you want to date don't just see how you behave toward them; they observe how you treat other people and use that information to assess your character, values, communication style, etc. When dating or trying to meet people, be at your best and most respectful.
Respect includes:
Not interrupting.
Honoring boundaries and differences in opinion.
Speaking kindly to - and about - other people.
Being accountable for your words and actions.
Flirt
Flirting can lighten the mood and be a fun, lighthearted way to interact on a date. The goal of flirting is to express interest and attraction in a playful and engaging way. It can help create a connection and gauge mutual interest, potentially paving the way for a deeper relationship or romantic involvement.
Keep in mind that flirting should never violate boundaries, create pressure or make your date uncomfortable. It should not be used to manipulate or coerce another person into behaving a certain way or reciprocating feelings. Proper flirting is consensual, respectful, and based on mutual enjoyment and interest.
Nurture connection
Nurturing a connection is vital to the enjoyment and growth in dating and relationships. However, it requires intentional effort. Being proactive in nurturing your connection is a skill that benefits you, whether you're deepening your current relationship or transitioning to a new one.
It's essential to prioritize your partner's genuine wants and needs over any preconceived ideas of what a relationship "should" be based on societal expectations or opinions from friends.
To nurture a connection:
Tailor your words and actions to align with your partner's emotional needs and preferences.
Remain attentive and responsive to your partner, and cherish the distinctiveness of your relationship, even if it might not last forever.
Remember, all relationships are significant, regardless of their duration.
Plan memorable dates
You don’t need a dating app to plan unique, memory-worthy dates. Planning a memorable date involves a mix of creativity, thoughtfulness, and an understanding of what both you and your date enjoy. Note that "memorable" doesn't have to mean expensive. Demonstrating that you have listened to your date's preferences and ideas will communicate more than an extravagant gesture.
Tailor the date to your date's preferences. Focus more on your date having a good experience than on controlling how you will be perceived.
Be creative and utilize your strengths.
Plan ahead, also be flexible; don't get bent out of shape if things don't go as planned. Leave some room for spontaneity.
Put your date at ease.
When dating, particularly if you date women, it's important to remember the importance of creating a safe environment.
Men must understand and appreciate the fact that dating can be a vulnerable and sometimes risky endeavor for women.
The key word here is respect. Respect your date's boundaries and be open to moving at a pace that is a little different from your own. Unless otherwise mutually agreed upon, a good rule is to keep the first few dates in public places like restaurants, coffee shops, and parks. This allows both parties to feel safe in their surroundings and to focus on getting to know each other.
It's relatively easy to "pass" on something (or someone) via an online dating app. However, it can be significantly more difficult to express different preferences and opinions in person. Always respect your date's autonomy and make it easy and safe for them to express themselves honestly and openly.
Make it safe and easy for your date to say, “no.”
Engage in genuine conversations.
Conversation and communication are the foundation of every relationship. The first law of communication is that we cannot not communicate. Know that how you ask questions and listen does not go unnoticed by the other person. You should likewise be learning about them. The better your communication skills, the more attractive you'll become and the wiser you will be when assessing whether someone is a good fit for what you are looking for.
Remember: you are not the protagonist
In dating, remember that you are not the sole protagonist. Both individuals are co-main characters in the story, each with valid wants, needs, and desires that should be acknowledged and considered by the other. It's common to discover that the other person’s needs don’t align with yours or that they are unable to fulfill them. This realization is a natural part of the journey. What’s important is how respectfully you handle the situation, whether you decide to continue developing the relationship or move on to someone new.
Dating game plan: talk it out
Therapy can be a great place to explore all of the above questions and to learn from previous relationships or times of unwanted singleness. Dating has its complexities, but it doesn’t have to be a negative experience. When you are clear with what you want and are able to be respectful of what others want, the process can be a whole lot more palatable, even enjoyable.