Unexpressed Emotions and Anger Issues: What's the Connection?
What is anger? | Types of anger | Unexpressed emotions | How to help | Boundaries | Recognize triggers | Self-care | How therapy can help with anger issues |
Growing up in rural West Texas, the only emotion men were encouraged to express was anger. I learned that to express sadness, fear, loneliness, or vulnerability outwardly was to admit weakness. So instead, I bottled, suppressed, and ignored my emotions as much as possible. This not only contributed to some angry teenage years but likely caused me to miss out on some rich experiences.
Anger or anger-management issues are often symptoms of underlying emotions that have not been adequately addressed or expressed. These issues can affect individuals of any gender. In fact, women likely experience anger just as frequently and intensely as men. However, research suggests that men are generally more likely to struggle with anger-related problems.
Whether you struggle with anger issues yourself or care about someone who does, it’s important to know that it’s natural to experience anger. However, expressing anger in destructive or harmful ways is not acceptable. It's possible to form healthier relationships with your emotions.
What is anger?
Anger is an essential emotion, neither inherently bad nor wrong. It is often triggered by a perceived threat, injustice, or frustration, and it prepares the body to respond to these challenges. Anger can spark the energy and focus needed to defend oneself in the face of danger and even catalyze social change.
Still, anger can quickly become problematic for men who tap into this emotion indiscriminately to avoid other emotions. Anger is not an emotion to be acted on immediately unless someone is in imminent physical or emotional danger.
Anger is a signpost to something deeper; it points us towards something unresolved in our lives. When men keep emotions locked inside, a crucial part of them remains hidden not only from their loved ones but also from themselves. This prevents them from ever being seen, understood, or able to connect. It also prevents them from meeting their emotional needs.
“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
Types of anger
People who struggle with or express anger in ways that seem disproportionate to the situation may actually be experiencing a wide range of emotions, including frustration, hurt, fear, or insecurity. For some men, anger becomes somewhat of a "go-to" emotion; it allows them to mask or cope with more vulnerable and complex inner experiences. It is okay to feel angry but not to express anger in destructive or harmful ways.
Here are some types of anger to be aware of:
Passive anger — Negative feelings are expressed indirectly instead of being addressed. Passive anger often manifests as passive-aggressive behavior. Although individuals who express anger this way may do so to avoid confrontation, it can still damage relationships, often leading to misunderstandings and resentment.
Frustration-based anger — This often occurs when men encounter obstacles, setbacks, or challenges that impede their progress or create feelings of powerlessness. It can be triggered by traffic, technological difficulties, or unmet expectations.
Fear-based anger — Believe it or not, some people find it easier to be angry than scared. For example, if a man feels powerless and deeply concerned about a loved one, he may express his fear as anger to create a sense of control or empowerment.
Pain-based anger — When individuals experience emotional or physical pain, they may respond with anger as a way to cope with or mask the underlying distress. Physical pain from illness or injury can sometimes lead to irritability or angry outbursts, as the discomfort can make it challenging to remain patient and calm.
Emotional pain stemming from grief, heartbreak, or even depression can also manifest as anger, especially for men who find it difficult to express or process their emotions in a healthy way. Unresolved pain has a way of coming out sideways and negatively impacting the relationships we cherish.
Volatile anger — Volatile anger is intense, unpredictable, and potentially destructive. It is challenging to manage and can have significant negative consequences for the man experiencing it and those around him. Several factors can contribute to this type of anger, including chronic stress, unresolved trauma, substance use, and underlying mental health issues.
Anger issues and unexpressed emotions
Unexpressed emotions and anger issues often go hand in hand. Men who work to conceal their emotions often struggle with increased feelings of stress, depression or anxiety. For some, emotional suppression can contribute to resentment, anger, or rage.
Emotional suppression can contribute to a lack of emotional awareness (or difficulty identifying and expressing emotions). Men who don't express their emotions may become less attuned to their feelings over time, creating a disconnect between their emotional experiences and conscious awareness.
Lack of emotional awareness can make it challenging to recognize the early signs of anger arousal, such as physical sensations or changes in mood. Men who are not aware of their emotions until they reach a critical point may be more likely to experience sudden and intense outbursts of anger.
Additionally, when underlying emotions are not addressed, they can be easily triggered by situations that may not warrant a strong emotional response, such as anger. Misdirected emotions refer to situations where an individual's emotional response is disproportionate or directed toward the wrong target. For example, a man feeling stressed or overwhelmed at work may come home and lash out at a family member over a minor, unrelated issue.
When anger expression becomes habitual, the cycle can be extremely challenging to break. For example, the accumulation of unexpressed emotions can make a person more sensitive, causing them to react strongly to situations that wouldn't normally provoke anger.
The inability to express emotions can lead to frequent misunderstandings and conflict, exacerbating anger-related challenges.
How to help a loved one manage anger issues
If you have a loved one who is struggling with anger issues, approaching the situation with empathy and understanding is vital. It is also important to remember that while men deserve and owe it to themselves to talk about their emotional experiences openly and without judgment, you deserve to feel safe and not compromise your boundaries to provide support.
Communicate your boundaries clearly
When you care about someone who is struggling with anger issues, it's crucial to establish clear boundaries. Boundaries in adulthood help some men learn things they didn't learn growing up. Boundaries also help protect your time and energy and allow each person to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions. Setting healthy boundaries might sound like:
→I ask that you respectfully communicate your feelings and needs without yelling, insults, or aggression.
→I ask that you take responsibility for your emotions and not blame others, including me, for how you feel.
→ I ask that we both honor one another's time-out requests and agree to take a break if things get too heated; we can pick up the conversation later.
→ Please work on finding other outlets for your anger. I am here for you if you want to discuss ideas.
→ I need you to understand that your actions have consequences; if you violate my boundaries, I must take a break from our relationship.
→I need you to know that I care about you and want you to improve. I also can't be the only person in your support network, so please seek help from other people as well.
Help them recognize triggers
First, you are the only person whose actions you are responsible for. While you should not have to tip-toe or feel like you're walking on eggshells whenever your partner is around, learning what activates them can be incredibly helpful in managing conflicts and maintaining a healthy relationship. Understanding what tends to provoke anger can help you choose the right times for discussions more strategically and approach sensitive topics with appropriate care.
Prioritize self-care
If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is struggling with managing their anger effectively, it is advisable to seek your own therapy. This will allow you to have a space to discuss your feelings and to create strategies for yourself. It's important to take care of yourself and not deprioritize the things you need to do or the people you care about to be available as a caregiver. Don't isolate yourself. Engage with your family and friends, make time for your hobbies and passions, and practice self-compassion. Put your own oxygen mask on first, as they say.
Coping with anger: how therapy can help
For men who struggle to express their emotions without defaulting to anger, therapy can be beneficial. Therapists can help men build relationships with their emotions characterized by awareness, acceptance, and healthy communication.
Choosing therapy means having a guide to help you confront your emotions, perhaps for the first time. Therapists can help men learn to identify and cope with their emotions and deal with anger better in several ways:
Greater emotional awareness — Therapy can help men become more aware of their emotions and understand the underlying causes of their anger. This increased awareness can help men recognize their triggers and develop more effective strategies for managing their emotions.
Practice expressing emotions — Therapy provides a safe and supportive environment for men to express their emotions openly and without judgment. This can help men learn to express their emotions in healthy ways rather than resorting to anger or other maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Identify and replace negative thought patterns — Therapy can help men identify and challenge negative thought patterns that contribute to anger. By changing these thought patterns, men can learn to respond to situations more positively and less reactively.
Enhance quality of communication and relationships —Therapy can also help men improve their relationships by teaching them practical communication skills and helping them develop empathy and understanding for others. This can help men express their emotions more effectively and reduce conflict.
Final thoughts
To the reader struggling with their anger: I'm glad you're here. If you've read this far, you recognize that anger has played a detrimental role in your life. You don't have to continue to live like this. We don't get to choose our emotions, but we do get to choose our response. Your response at this moment will have great implications for the rest of your life.
To the reader trying to support someone struggling with anger: I'm glad you are investigating ways to help your person and, hopefully, yourself. You don't need to do this alone; in fact, it is nearly impossible to do so. Value yourself, knowing that the healthiest version of yourself is the one who can best navigate through life's toughest situations.